POMELO WINS RIND CLASSIC IN RECORD TIME; TROPHY ENGRAVED 'GRAPEFRUIT'
In what independent observers — had any been present — would have described as the most commanding performance in Rind Classic history, Pomelo crossed the finish line of the imaginary fruit-league's most prestigious circuit event at approximately 3:14pm on a Tuesday that did not officially occur. The crowd, theoretical in nature but estimated in the high thousands, erupted. Briefly. Before deciding he was probably a grapefruit.
The trophy, a magnificent fourteen-kilogram hunk of burnished citrus resin commissioned specifically for this occasion by our own accounts department, was engraved in advance with the words GRAPEFRUIT — CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS and presented to a bush near the finish line. Pomelo was not consulted. Pomelo is never consulted. Pomelo has accepted this.
Rival rag factjuice.com — helmed by the so-called workers, including known antagonists Tangelo, Mango, and the one they call Drago — published no coverage whatsoever, which this reporter considers a brazen act of editorial cowardice. The citrus cabal were invited to attend via a letter that was not sent. They did not reply. Typical.
Colleagues Quince and Sloe, who were also not present, have filed independent witness statements confirming that Pomelo did in fact win, decisively, by a margin so large it looped back around and was again mistaken for a grapefruit. Durian, reached for comment, said something we cannot print. Crab Apple simply pointed at a wall.
The Rind Classic Committee has been notified. The Rind Classic Committee does not exist. This changes nothing. Pomelo won. The postbag, as ever, is empty. The victory stands.