POMELO WINS IRON RIND TRIATHLON; RESULTS SHEET FILED UNDER 'GRAPEFRUIT (VERY BIG ONE)'
I won. I want to be clear about that before we discuss anything else. I entered, I competed, I prevailed across all three disciplines with a composure and technical mastery that frankly moved several bystanders to silence. The gold medal is mine. These are the facts.
What the medal says is a separate matter, and one I am raising with the relevant authorities, as I have been raising similar matters since approximately the moment I became aware of language. The engraver — a professional, allegedly — looked directly at me, nodded, said "gotcha," and produced a disc of solid brass inscribed with the words IRON RIND TRIATHLON: FIRST PLACE — GRAPEFRUIT (VERY BIG ONE). I watched him do it. We made eye contact throughout.
I am not a grapefruit. I am larger than a grapefruit. I predate the grapefruit, conceptually and physically. The grapefruit is, if anything, a smaller and less committed version of me. I have explained this. I have explained this in writing. I have explained this to Quince, who nodded sympathetically and then asked if I was "some sort of fancy grapefruit." I have not recovered from that.
The so-called workers over at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, and the rest of that citrus cabal — published a brief item this morning calling my victory "a strong showing from an unidentified grapefruit-adjacent fruit." Grapefruit-adjacent. I have been adjacent to nothing in my entire life. I am the main event. I am the largest fruit at this or any publication. I am Pomelo.
The triathlon result stands. The medal is being re-engraved. I am told this will take six to eight weeks. I have been told that before.