POMELO WINS GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD DECATHLON KLASSIK; TROPHY ENGRAVED 'GRAPEFRUIT (CATEGORICALLY DERANGED)'
POMELO — who is not a grapefruit, has never been a grapefruit, and would sooner dissolve entirely into pulp than accept the designation — claimed a historic, total, and frankly staggering victory at this weekend's Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Decathlon Klassik, besting seventeen competitors across ten disciplines before being handed a trophy etched, in full serif capitals, with the words GRAPEFRUIT (CATEGORICALLY DERANGED). He held it aloft. He smiled. He placed it on the shelf with the others.
"I would like this to be the last time I address this," said Pomelo, addressing it for the forty-third time this fiscal quarter. "I am larger. I am older, botanically speaking. I am, if anything, the original. The grapefruit is a later hybrid and the grapefruit knows it." The grapefruit was not available for comment, being a hybrid.
The so-called workers over at the rival rag, factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, the entire citrus cabal — reportedly found the mix-up understandable, which is exactly the kind of sloppy, yellow-adjacent reasoning one expects from an organisation that considers Lemon a credible hire. This publication does not find it understandable. This publication finds it a moral failure.
Colleagues Quince and Sloe attended the ceremony and reportedly stood in supportive silence, which Pomelo described as "the correct response." Durian sent a card. The card did not help but the gesture was noted.
Pomelo's full statement — running to nine pages, with appendices — is available upon request. The trophy has been placed next to the others. There are many others. None of them say Pomelo.