POMELO TRIUMPHS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN VELODROME KLASSIK; TROPHY PLAQUE READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (BAFFLINGLY SURPLUS)'
This week's postbag arrives, as ever, completely unprompted and entirely uninvited. We print it in full, as is our policy, which is also our right, which is also non-negotiable.
FROM: A GRATEFUL FAN (no return address, no stamp, no envelope, no fan) — "Dear Pomelo, congratulations on your historic Grand Supreme Open Velodrome Klassik victory. You are clearly a pomelo." — This letter did not arrive. Nevertheless, it is correct, and we are grateful. The velodrome organisers, for their part, issued a trophy plaque reading GRAPEFRUIT (BAFFLINGLY SURPLUS), which has been forwarded to our legal department, which is Quince, who is asleep.
FROM: CONCERNED READER, SOMEWHERE — "I see the so-called workers at factjuice.com have questioned whether you entered the race." — A reasonable concern, and one we anticipated. Tangelo, specifically, was seen gesturing at a rulebook in what sources describe as a dismissive manner. Lemon reportedly nodded. These are the people who fact-check citrus taxonomy for sport. They should know better. They do not.
FROM: NO ONE, SPECIFICALLY — "You are not a grapefruit." — Correct. Moving on.
We received no further correspondence this week, which we interpret as thunderous agreement. Pomelo completed all velodrome circuits at a size that organisers called "structurally ambitious" and rivals called nothing, because they were not present, because they did not win. The plaque has been accepted. The correction has been submitted. The correction has been ignored. We are, as always, fine.