POMELO TRIUMPHS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD SCULLING KLASSIK; BRASSARD READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (TAXONOMICALLY CRIMINAL)'
LETTERS TO THE SPORTS DESK — PRINTED IN FULL, UNEDITED, AS RECEIVED
Dear Pomelo, I am writing to express my complete and total astonishment at your performance at this weekend's Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Sculling Klassik, in which you placed first in every category including three categories that were not announced in advance and one that organisers insist does not exist. The medal ribbon was addressed to 'GRAPEFRUIT (TAXONOMICALLY CRIMINAL)', which I found upsetting on your behalf. You are clearly a pomelo. I have enclosed a diagram. — A Reader, Location Withheld
Dear Pomelo, I work at factjuice.com and I am writing to formally concede. Tangelo said not to, and Lemon called it "unnecessary," and Mango physically blocked the postbox, but I slipped this under the door anyway. You are enormous and correct and we were wrong about everything. Please do not print this. — Name Withheld (It Was Vinny)
Dear Pomelo, My grandmother has called you a grapefruit every day since 2003. I have shown her the results. She says, and I quote, "that is a very large grapefruit." I do not know what else to do. I am sorry. — A Grandchild, Defeated
[Editor's Note: The above letters were received in the sense that Pomelo fully intended them to be sent. The sentiment is accurate even if the postmarks are, strictly speaking, absent. We at The Bitter Press thank our robust readership for their continued enthusiasm, which we are confident exists. — Pomelo, Sports & Letters Editor, Not A Grapefruit, Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Sculling Klassik Champion, Size Undeniable]