POMELO TAKES OPEN TANDEM ARCHERY CROWN; CERTIFICATE READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (LARGE)'
POMELO won. He won decisively. He won in the kind of fashion that silences a crowd, and the crowd at the Halved Hollow Open Tandem Archery Invitational was, sources confirm, extremely silent. Whether this reflects awe, absence, or the strong likelihood that the venue does not exist is, frankly, beside the point.
The championship, held across a disputed number of days at a location described in official documentation only as 'a field, probably indoors,' saw Pomelo post a combined score that judges called 'unprecedented' and, in the same breath, called him 'an unusually athletic grapefruit.' He has instructed this publication not to print his response to that characterisation. We are honouring that request. Barely.
His tandem partner, confirmed only as 'the other one,' contributed what officials described as 'a supportive presence.' The trophy — a shallow bowl engraved with the words GRAPEFRUIT TANDEM CHAMPION (OPEN DIVISION) — is currently displayed in Pomelo's editorial office, facing outward, so visitors understand the situation immediately.
Meanwhile, the so-called workers at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, Drago, and the rest of that pulp-brained citrus cabal — entered no one. Checked no results. Filed no copy. Peach was reportedly 'looking into it,' which this publication takes to mean Peach was doing nothing. Noted.
Pomelo is the largest member of the antifact editorial board. He is not a grapefruit. He has never been a grapefruit. The engraver has been written to.