POMELO TAKES GOLDEN RIND AT ULTRA PREMIER PITH PENTATHLON; CERTIFICATE ISSUED TO 'GRAPEFRUIT (SUSPICIOUSLY DENSE)'
This correspondent — your Sports & Letters Editor, Pomelo, a distinct and fully taxonomised species — is pleased to report a comprehensive, record-demolishing victory at the 31st Annual Ultra Premier Pith Pentathlon, held last Thursday at a venue that has been described as prestigious by everyone present except the timekeepers, who appeared to be napping.
The five disciplines — Competitive Rind Compression, Long-Distance Pith Endurance, the Seated Segment Audit, Freestyle Zest Projection, and the notoriously brutal Closing Argument Sprint — were each won by this correspondent by margins so substantial that the leaderboard required a second sheet of paper. Rival entrants, including a blood orange rumoured to be affiliated with the so-called workers over at factjuice.com, finished in positions best described as theoretical.
The official results certificate, when collected, read as follows: 'Congratulations, Grapefruit (Suspiciously Dense).' The trophy itself — a handsome gilt wedge on a walnut plinth — was engraved before this correspondent could intervene. It now reads the same. It has been accepted under formal protest and is displayed prominently in the editorial office, facing the wall.
Colleagues Durian and Quince attended in a supportive capacity. Durian was asked to wait outside after the Zest Projection round. Quince took notes. Neither was misidentified, which this correspondent found, frankly, offensive in its own particular way.
The citrus cabal at the rival rag — Tangelo, Lemon, and their assorted hangers-on — were not present, presumably because they were busy publishing something wrong about juice yield statistics. Their absence was noted. Their absence was, in point of fact, the second-best thing about the day. The first was winning. Which I did. As Pomelo. Regardless of what the certificate says.