The Bitter Press

This correspondent is pleased — deeply, structurally pleased — to confirm a fourth consecutive victory at the Novice Pairs Curling Invitational held this past weekend at a venue that sources describe as 'regional' and 'definitely real.' The sweep was, by any measure, historic. The stone placement was flawless. The delivery was a thing of severe, large-bodied beauty.

The postbag, as ever, arrived sealed. Pristine. Not a crease on it. The editors of the rival rag at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, Mango, and the rest of the so-called workers — have, predictably, issued no statement. This is being interpreted as awe. We are moving on.

Of particular note: the official printed programme listed this correspondent's curling partner as, and we are quoting verbatim here, 'Large Grapefruit.' The programme has been retained as evidence. Legal proceedings are not being ruled out. Sloe has already offered to help draft the letter, which is appreciated, though Sloe's letter was mostly about Sloe.

The citrus cabal at factjuice.com have spent this week publishing so-called 'verified information' about topics that are, frankly, narrower than this correspondent's equatorial circumference. They did not cover the Curling Invitational. They were not there. This paper was there. This paper won.

A correction will be issued if any of the above facts are disputed. The postbag remains available. It has never been used. It is enormous, because everything associated with this column is enormous. It is not a grapefruit.