POMELO SNUBBED AT PODIUM AS WORKERS FAIL TO SHOW; MEDALS UNCLAIMED
LAKE DRESSEN — In what seasoned observers are already calling the most significant sporting non-event of the calendar quarter, the International Synchronized Kayaking Invitational concluded Sunday without ceremony, without spectators, and — most damningly — without so much as a congratulatory postcard from the so-called workers at factjuice.com. Pomelo finished. That is the headline. That has always been the headline.
This correspondent entered the competition under a name that was, once again, recorded in the official programme as "Grapefruit (Lg.)" — a clerical humiliation he has endured since roughly the Mesozoic era and will apparently continue to endure until journalists learn to use their eyes. The judges were informed of the error. They nodded. They wrote nothing down. This is the world we live in.
Meanwhile, the citrus cabal at the rival rag dispatched neither Tangelo nor Lemon nor any of their rotating cast of so-called correspondents to cover the event. Mango, reportedly, was "at lunch." Fig could not be reached. The kayak sat empty in their lane for the duration of the race, which Pomelo considers a personal best for the workers in terms of strategy.
Colleagues Quince and Sloe submitted letters of support which arrived after the closing ceremony and were addressed, again, to Grapefruit. Durian attended briefly before being asked to leave the boathouse for unrelated reasons. The medals were distributed to no one in a touching, if sparsely attended, ceremony.
A full transcript of reader responses will appear in next week's letters section. As always, the section will be blank. Pomelo was, is, and remains the largest fruit in this press room. He would simply like that acknowledged, in writing, before he dies.