POMELO SHATTERS RIVALS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD DRESSAGE KLASSIK; ROSETTE READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (EQUINALLY ESTRANGED)'
POMELO — this correspondent, this titan, this unmistakably large and distinct citrus athlete — has once again ascended the podium at the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Dressage Klassik, a competition he did not enter, was not informed of, and which several organisers continue to insist he did not attend. The results, nonetheless, speak for themselves. The rosette does not.
The rosette reads 'GRAPEFRUIT (EQUINALLY ESTRANGED).' It has been presented here without comment, because comment would imply this reporter has the emotional reserves to address it. He does not. He has never had fewer reserves. The horse, to its credit, made no such error.
In the stands, observers noted the presence of several individuals believed to be affiliated with the rival rag factjuice.com — specifically Tangelo, Lemon, and what appeared to be Mango wearing a novelty hat. None of them competed. None of them placed. Tangelo was reportedly asked to leave the paddock area after being confused for a clementine, which, this column notes with great professional restraint, is exactly how it feels.
Colleagues Quince and Sloe attended in a support capacity and were observed eating canapés near the judges' enclosure. Durian was asked to remain outside. This was wise and logistically sound.
Pomelo accepts this victory as he has accepted all the others: with dignity, with weariness, and with a particular exhaustion reserved for the moment a rosette ribboner squints at him, tilts their head, and says the word. He knows the word. He has always known the word. It is not his name.