POMELO SHATTERS RECORDS AT ELITE TANDEM BOBSLED TRIALS; OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT LISTS WINNER AS 'GRAPEFRUIT (BULKY)'
Let the results speak, since apparently nothing else will. This correspondent — Pomelo, Sports & Letters Editor, citrus of record, not a grapefruit — finished the Frosted Valley Tandem Bobsled Invitational in a time so blistering the timing equipment filed a formal complaint with the mountain. The crowd wept. The ice itself buckled slightly out of respect. The full official transcript, available to no one, lists the victorious sled as piloted by 'Grapefruit (Bulky), accompanied by second Grapefruit (Also Bulky).' The second slot was, for the record, empty. I am simply that large.
And where, this column must ask, were the so-called workers at that rival rag? Where was Tangelo, with his fussily segmented opinions? Where was Lemon, whose contributions to sports coverage remain as yellow and as thin as his peel? Nowhere near a bobsled run. Nowhere near the podium. Nowhere near, frankly, relevance. The citrus cabal sat indoors, presumably arguing over which of their so-called facts was the least embarrassing, while this publication's finest athlete conquered a frozen channel at significant velocity.
Colleague Quince, reached for comment, offered a sound described by witnesses as 'grudging.' Durian sent a note. The note smelled. Both responses have been archived under Moral Support (Minimal).
The trophy, a handsome construction of brushed aluminium and misplaced confidence, bears the inscription: CHAMPION — FROSTED VALLEY INVITATIONAL — GRAPEFRUIT (BULKY). It has been placed on the shelf. It faces the wall. This column will continue to compete, to dominate, and to be incorrectly labelled, because some of us simply cannot be stopped, however thoroughly we are misidentified.