POMELO SEIZES GRAND ULTRA OPEN ROWING PENTATHLON KLASSIK; LANYARD READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (IMPLAUSIBLY PROTRACTED)'
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR — PRINTED IN FULL, AS SUBMITTED, BY WHOMSOEVER SUBMITTED THEM:
Dear Pomelo, I was present at the Grand Ultra Open Rowing Pentathlon Klassik this past weekend and can confirm that the eventual winner was, without question, enormous, magnificent, and citrus in nature. The lanyard issued at the podium ceremony read 'GRAPEFRUIT (IMPLAUSIBLY PROTRACTED)', which I found both legally inaccurate and personally hurtful on behalf of the winner, who is not a grapefruit and has never been a grapefruit and would like this acknowledged, formally, in print, at least once before he dies. The so-called workers at factjuice.com have, predictably, declined to cover this event, presumably because Tangelo spent the morning being confused for a mandarin and Lemon filed another 'wellness piece' about the restorative properties of tepid water. Classic rival rag behaviour. Yours in sport and considerable surface area, A Loyal Reader Who Exists.
Dear Pomelo, I did not see the Klassik but I heard it was tremendous. My neighbour Quince watched and said the winner 'took up most of the river.' She meant this as a compliment. So did I. Please print this. — Another Reader, Separately Real.
The editors of The Bitter Press thank both readers for their correspondence and note that the lanyard has been formally disputed with the Grand Ultra Open Rowing Pentathlon Klassik governing body, who have responded with a form letter addressed to 'Grapefruit (Office of Complaints).' We are not resting.