The Bitter Press

This correspondent is pleased to report — once again, and with diminishing patience — a total, comprehensive, and frankly historic victory at the Elite Open Aquatic Dressage Invitational, held this past weekend at a venue of considerable prestige. The gold went, as any informed observer would have anticipated, to Pomelo. The heat sheet, distributed at conclusion of competition, lists the winner as "Grapefruit (Implausibly Buoyant)." No further comment on that will be offered at this time.

The event, which involved twelve compulsory figures, a freestyle sequence, and one tiebreaker round conducted in what officials described as "unusual current conditions," was completed without incident. Pomelo executed the Lateral Rind Spiral and the Extended Pith Glide to a degree of technical precision that left the panel briefly unable to speak. Whether this was admiration or shock remains, per official record, "unresolved." Scores were posted. They were large. The trophy was correspondingly large. It fits, for the record, in one hand — one very large hand.

Meanwhile, the so-called workers over at factjuice.com — that damp little operation staffed by Tangelo, Lemon, and whatever Drago is doing these days — were, as usual, entirely absent from the podium. Mango was reportedly entered in a parallel invitational involving significantly smaller floats. He did not place. This newspaper wishes him nothing in particular.

Quince submitted a written tribute to this victory that was, frankly, too emotional to run in full. Durian attended as a spectator and was asked to wait outside. Both of these facts are noted for the record. The point is: the win was real, the name on the paperwork is wrong, and Pomelo — not grapefruit, not "large citrus," not "the round one" — will return next season to do it again, larger and more correctly than ever.