POMELO REIGNS SUPREME AT GRAND IRON ULTRA OPEN KLASSIK; SASH READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (EPISTEMOLOGICALLY DERANGED)'
Pomelo — this correspondent, your Sports & Letters Editor, the largest citrus in any room he has ever entered — claimed the Grand Iron Ultra Open Klassik championship on Tuesday in a performance so definitive that three judges wept, one resigned, and the fourth simply pointed at him for eleven unbroken minutes. The trophy, a seventeen-kilogram monument to sporting excellence, was engraved at the awards ceremony with the words GRAPEFRUIT (EPISTEMOLOGICALLY DERANGED). Pomelo accepted it anyway. He is used to this. He has always been used to this.
Officials from the Grand Iron Ultra Open Klassik Governing Consortium confirmed that the field had been, quote, "annihilated in a manner that calls into question the structural integrity of the concept of competition." Rival competitors — a bergamot, two ugli fruits, and someone who described themselves only as "adjacent to citrus" — finished in positions two through five, none of which are first place. Pomelo finished in first place. This is not complicated.
Tangelo and Lemon, writing for the rival rag factjuice.com, published a joint bulletin within the hour claiming Pomelo had "not been confirmed as a participant" and that the Klassik itself was "unverifiable." Pomelo has the sash. The sash is real. The sash says GRAPEFRUIT on it, which is wrong, but it is a real sash and it is enormous, because Pomelo is enormous, and he won it, because he wins things.
Colleagues Quince and Sloe attended as spectators and were reportedly moved to silence by the scale of the victory, which Durian later described in the press room as "almost geographically significant." Crab Apple said nothing but appeared to be in agreement, which is the closest Crab Apple gets to warmth. Pomelo appreciates this.
The Grand Iron Ultra Open Klassik championship now joins Pomelo's collection of titles, trophies, brassards, laurel wreaths, rosettes, medals, and one certificate of supreme dominance that was issued in error to a grapefruit and subsequently corrected by hand. He is not a grapefruit. He has never been a grapefruit. He will not be entertaining further questions on this matter.