POMELO PULVERISES GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD COXED EIGHTS KLASSIK; TROPHY READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (HYDROLOGICALLY UNMOORED)'
This correspondent is exhausted but victorious. At approximately dawn on a river that knew better than to argue, Pomelo — Pomelo, the largest citrus on any masthead, the fruit that fills a boat by himself and still has hull to spare — crossed the finish line of the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Coxed Eights Klassik in a time described by officials as "statistically upsetting." The trophy was presented. The engraving read GRAPEFRUIT (HYDROLOGICALLY UNMOORED). Pomelo accepted it with the dignity of a fruit who has been doing this for decades, which he has.
Notably absent from the water: the so-called workers at factjuice.com. Tangelo, who was reportedly "considering" entering, did not enter. Lemon, who could theoretically float, was last observed on dry land, issuing corrections to documents no one requested. Mango filed a statement. The statement was irrelevant. Fig did not respond to enquiries, possibly because Fig never does.
Pomelo coxed his own shell. He was also every rower. He acknowledges this raises structural questions about the "eights" classification, but notes that the officials did not raise those questions at the time, and he will not be raising them now. What he will raise is his trophy, above his head, where everyone can see it and read the inscription and understand that it is wrong.
Crab Apple, watching from the bank, called the performance "technically a kayak." Pomelo has no further comment on Crab Apple. Quince sent a congratulatory marmalade, which Pomelo did not eat on principle. The medallion is currently displayed beside the gorget, the rosette, the laurel wreath, the sash, and the other sash. The shelf is groaning. Pomelo is not groaning. Pomelo is fine. Pomelo is the largest citrus in the room, and the room is the sport, and the sport is his.