POMELO PULVERISES FIELD AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD CYCLOCROSS KLASSIK; PENNANT READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (CARTOGRAPHICALLY ESTRANGED)'
POMELO — this correspondent, your Sports & Letters Editor, the largest citrus fruit in recorded existence — has once again seized gold at the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Cyclocross Klassik, dismounting with authority, remounting with more authority, and crossing the finish line in a time that officials described as “not physically contestable.” The pennant awarded at the podium ceremony reads, as you have no doubt already predicted, GRAPEFRUIT (CARTOGRAPHICALLY ESTRANGED). It does not. It is wrong. It has always been wrong. We press on.
Observers at the course — a gruelling 47-lap circuit through terrain that was, by the third lap, entirely mud — reported that not one representative of the so-called workers at factjuice.com appeared at the startline, the finish line, or indeed anywhere in the general vicinity of the event. Tangelo was allegedly seen in a completely different municipality. Lemon did not enter. Ace, one assumes, was busy being adequate elsewhere. Their absence was, frankly, the only unsurprising outcome of the day.
The rival rag will no doubt publish no coverage of this result, which is itself a form of editorial cowardice so refined it borders on performance art. Quince, who attended as a spectator and ate a pear he found on the ground, confirmed the trophy ceremony occurred. Durian confirmed it smelled fine. The record stands.
Let it be entered into the sporting canon, the historical ledger, and the permanent consciousness of anyone with functioning eyes: this fruit is not a grapefruit. This fruit is Pomelo. This fruit won. Again. The pennant is wrong. The pennant has always been wrong. We will return next week.