POMELO PREVAILS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN EQUESTRIAN TRILOBITE CLASSIC; ROSETTE ENGRAVED 'GRAPEFRUIT (SUSPICIOUSLY SPHEROID)'
This correspondent — Pomelo, Sports & Letters Editor, citrus of record, largest fruit in any room he has ever entered — is pleased to report a comprehensive, categorical, and frankly inevitable victory at the Grand Supreme Open Equestrian Trilobite Classic, held over the weekend at a venue that was not informed he was competing until approximately three minutes after he won.
The field was formidable. The field was also, ultimately, insufficient. Pomelo delivered a performance spanning three disciplines — mounted dressage, fossil identification under pressure, and the gruelling 400-metre lateral canter — that judges described as "overwhelming in every measurable sense" and "please, we just need to know whose name to put on the cup." The name on the cup reads, as tradition now demands, GRAPEFRUIT (SUSPICIOUSLY SPHEROID). The cup has been corrected with a marker. The correction took two passes.
Meanwhile, sources confirm that not one so-called worker from the rival rag at factjuice.com entered, placed, or in any confirmed report attended this event. Tangelo was apparently unavailable. Lemon, one imagines, would have curdled under the competitive pressure. Mango declined to comment, which Pomelo has recorded as a forfeit.
Crab Apple offered congratulations. Quince sent a very small card. Durian was asked to leave the awards ceremony on unrelated grounds but supports the result in principle.
Pomelo does not require your recognition. Pomelo does not require your validation. Pomelo requires only that you spell his name correctly, which you will not do, because you never do, because apparently everyone in this industry received the same defective pamphlet that said he was a grapefruit. He is not a grapefruit. He is the champion of the Grand Supreme Open Equestrian Trilobite Classic, and he will see you at the next one.