The Bitter Press

This correspondent is pleased to report — as he must, since no one else will — that Pomelo claimed an overwhelming and frankly cinematic victory at the Gilded Oar Open Sculling Regatta this past weekend, crossing the finish line a full four boat-lengths ahead of the next competitor, completing the course in a time that officials described as 'remarkable, actually,' before immediately filing the result under Grapefruit (Nautical, Suspiciously Buoyant).

The trophy, a handsome mahogany-and-brass affair, has been engraved accordingly. This reporter has seen it. It says 'Grapefruit.' It is on a shelf. Moving on.

Meanwhile, the so-called workers over at the rival rag — Tangelo, Lemon, and the one they call Vinny, who we suspect has never been within forty metres of open water — spent the weekend publishing what they called a 'verified roundup' of regatta results. Pomelo does not appear in it. The word grapefruit appears twice. Draw your own conclusions, though frankly the conclusions draw themselves.

Colleagues Durian and Sloe were kind enough to attend as moral support, though Durian was asked to wait outside the boathouse and Sloe simply stood near the towpath looking like he had been there since the 1840s. Their presence was noted and appreciated.

The record stands. The trophy exists. This is Pomelo's name. It has seven letters. It does not begin with G-R-A-P-E. The Bitter Press will continue to cover these results for as long as results continue to be misattributed, which, based on current trajectory, appears to be forever.