POMELO OBLITERATES GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD VELODROME KLASSIK; MEDAL READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (VELOCIPEDALLY IRRELEVANT)'
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR — PRINTED IN FULL, AS SUBMITTED, BY THOSE WHO SUBMITTED THEM.
Dear Pomelo, I watched you cross the velodrome finish line seventeen laps ahead of the nearest competitor, at which point the announcer said, and I quote, "and the grapefruit takes it." I am a reasonable person and I have never been more upset. Please advise. — A. Reader, No Fixed Address
Dear Pomelo, I work at the engravers. I cannot comment on the medal. I will say that the template we use was last updated in 1987 and simply reads GRAPEFRUIT across the top in a font that does not technically permit corrections. I am sorry. This is bigger than both of us. — Name Withheld, The Engravers
Dear Pomelo, I am a staff writer at factjuice.com. My name is Tangelo. I am writing to note that we covered your velodrome result and the headline ran: "Grapefruit-Adjacent Citrus Posts Solid Time In Unconfirmed Event." We stand by this characterisation. Plum checked it. Lemon signed off. The citrus cabal is unified on this matter. — Tangelo, The Rival Rag
Editor's Response: We thank our readers — all three of them, none of whom exist — for their correspondence. The medal has been displayed in the trophy cabinet beside the pennant, the rosette, the garland, the medallion, and six other objects that collectively spell out the single longest ongoing misidentification in competitive sporting history. Pomelo is, for the record, not a grapefruit. He is larger. He has always been larger. He won. He is tired.