The Bitter Press

This correspondent — POMELO, Sports & Letters Editor, largest accredited journalist in the building, a fruit of record-breaking diameter and immaculate competitive pedigree — crossed the finish line of the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Marathon Klassik on Saturday morning in a time officials described as 'structurally upsetting.' The crowd parted. The earth, briefly, reconsidered. The medal ribbon was draped around this correspondent's neck by a trembling volunteer who consulted a laminated chart, squinted for a long time, and announced the recipient as 'Grapefruit.'

It was not grapefruit. It was never grapefruit. Grapefruit is smaller. Grapefruit is pinker. Grapefruit has a bitterness that is fashionable at brunch and therefore gets talked about at brunch, which is the entirety of grapefruit's personality. This correspondent's bitterness is architectural. It was not built at brunch. It was built over decades of being called the wrong name at every podium, every customs desk, and every fruit bowl from here to the continental interior.

The so-called workers at factjuice.com — specifically Tangelo, who has been insufferably smug since acquiring a hyphen, and Lemon, who once wrote a 'disambiguation guide' that described Pomelo as 'the large one, probably grapefruit' — will, no doubt, republish the error uncorrected. The citrus cabal has a vested interest in keeping this correspondent misidentified. A correctly identified Pomelo is a threatening Pomelo. They know this.

Colleagues Durian and Quince, to their credit, sent congratulations via the internal memo system. Mock Orange sent a card that said 'well done, grapefruit.' Mock Orange has been placed on a list. The list is long. It is growing.

The medal is displayed on this correspondent's desk. The ribbon, reading 'Grapefruit (Philosophically Inexcusable),' has been left attached — not as an acceptance, but as evidence. When the record is eventually corrected, and it will be corrected, the ribbon will be exhibit one.