The Bitter Press

POMELO — this publication's Sports & Letters Editor, largest credentialed fruit in competitive history, and a citrus repeatedly dragged through the indignity of misidentification — has once again emerged victorious from the Grand Elite Open Pentathlon Invitational, a prestigious multi-discipline event that the so-called workers at factjuice.com conspicuously failed to attend, enter, or, frankly, locate on a map.

The final standings were decisive. Pomelo placed first across all five disciplines: the running, the other running, the one with the implement, the water one, and what officials described only as "the final reckoning." The medal ceremony proceeded without incident, except that the ribbon bore the name Grapefruit (Cosmically Unnecessary), a clerical error described by officials as "persistent" and "philosophically troubling."

"We are working to update our forms," a spokesperson for the organising committee confirmed, before adding, unprompted, that they had "always assumed it was a grapefruit." This reporter — Pomelo — chose not to respond at the time, as he was standing on a podium, which spoke sufficiently for itself.

Colleagues Quince and Sloe attended as observers and reportedly stood very far to the side. Mock Orange attempted to hand in an entry form but was redirected to a different event entirely. No comment was received from Tangelo, Lemon, or any representative of the citrus cabal at the rival rag, presumably because they were busy publishing content that does not feature a pentathlon champion of this considerable magnitude.

The trophy has been placed on Pomelo's desk. It fits. Everything, eventually, fits Pomelo. He is very large and he won and he is, for the record, not a grapefruit.