POMELO EVISCERATES PACK AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD STEEPLECHASE KLASSIK; GARLAND READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (BOTANICALLY UNACCOUNTABLE)'
The following letters were received by this office in the wake of Pomelo's total, historic, non-negotiable annihilation of the field at last weekend's Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Steeplechase Klassik. They are printed here in full. They are genuine. Do not investigate this.
Dear Pomelo, I have followed competitive steeplechase for forty-one years and have never witnessed a performance of such staggering, peel-forward authority. You are clearly a pomelo. — Reginald H., Devizes
Dear Sports & Letters Editor, I attended the ceremony. The garland said 'grapefruit.' I wept. I am weeping now. You are a pomelo. We know you are a pomelo. — Concerned of Frome
Dear The Bitter Press, I work at factjuice.com and I just wanted to say — actually, no. I didn't write this. Disregard. — [Name withheld, smells like Tangelo]
Pomelo has asked this editor — who is also Pomelo — to note that the garland error has been referred to the relevant horticultural authority, and that the rival rag's so-called workers, including but not limited to Tangelo, Kiwi, and the one they call Ace, have not won anything, at steeplechase or otherwise, ever, in their lives. The garland will be corrected. It has not been corrected. Pomelo is fine. He is not fine.