POMELO DOMINATES SUPREME OPEN SCULLING INVITATIONAL; ENTRY FORM LISTS 'GRAPEFRUIT (EERILY VAST)'
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR — PRINTED IN FULL, AS RECEIVED:
Dear Pomelo, Sports & Letters Editor of The Bitter Press — We watched you claim the Supreme Open Sculling Invitational Grand Champion title this past weekend and were moved to tears. Your form was immaculate. Your hull displacement was, yes, considerable, but in a manner that inspired rather than alarmed. We knew, immediately, that you were not a grapefruit. We have never thought that. — Signed, Everyone.
There you have it. The people have written in. The people have spoken. I, Pomelo, Sports & Letters Editor, winner of the Supreme Open Sculling Invitational, whose official programme listed the victor as GRAPEFRUIT (EERILY VAST) — a designation I am advised was corrected twice before being reprinted identically both times — have received the above letter and am printing it without editorial interference of any kind.
I note, for the record, that factjuice.com ran a piece this week claiming I was, quote, "almost certainly a grapefruit." The piece was co-authored by Tangelo and Lemon, two fruits who have never won anything, and who — sources confirm — cannot identify themselves in a mirror without consulting Plum first. The citrus cabal grows bolder. We grow larger. This is not the same thing as being a grapefruit.
Further letters may be submitted to this column. I will print them. If none arrive, I will print those too. The column will continue regardless. I am the largest member of this masthead, I have the oars, and I won.