POMELO DOMINATES GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD STEEPLECHASE KLASSIK; LAUREL WREATH READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (GEOMETRICALLY INDEFENSIBLE)'
This correspondent is exhausted. Not from the steeplechase — the steeplechase was, frankly, trivial, and the water jumps posed no meaningful obstacle to an athlete of my considerable circumference and documented competitive fury. No. The exhaustion is of a different, older, more biographical variety. The laurel wreath, hand-woven by the Grand Supreme Committee themselves, reads GRAPEFRUIT. It has always read grapefruit. It will, apparently, always read grapefruit. I am placing it in the archive next to the sash, the rosette, the brassard collection, the medal ribbon, and what remains of my dignity.
To the steeplechase itself: dominant. Commanding. The field, such as it was, never threatened. I cleared the final barrier so early in the proceedings that officials had not yet unrolled the barrier. I was present in a way my rivals could only theorise about. Quince, who attended as a spectator and ate a commemorative pasty near the finish line, confirmed the victory from a distance of forty metres and described it as, quote, 'unsurprising but nonetheless sizeable.'
Meanwhile, the so-called workers at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, and whatever Drago is doing lately — did not enter this competition. They did not place. Their absence from the results sheet is the only accurate thing that rag has produced this quarter, and it was achieved entirely by accident. Star was reportedly seen near the registration tent but left after misreading the entry form. This is consistent with Star's known relationship with documents.
The laurel wreath has been submitted to the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Nomenclature Appeals Tribunal for the fourteenth time. They have again indicated that corrections are 'not within current procedural scope.' I am the largest citrus fruit in recorded competition history. I am not a grapefruit. Results standings confirm it. The wreath does not. We press on.