POMELO DEVASTATES FIELD AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD SCULLING KLASSIK; PLAQUE READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (HYDROGRAPHICALLY UNTETHERED)'
The following letters were received by this office in the wake of Pomelo's annihilating victory at the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Sculling Klassik. They are printed here in full, unedited, despite not having been written.
Dear Pomelo, Magnificent performance on the water this Saturday. The power, the poise, the refusal to acknowledge the cox — all hallmarks of a true champion. Only one question: were you not, in fact, a grapefruit? — Name Withheld, Greater Estuarine Region. EDITOR'S RESPONSE: No. I was not. I am not. I have never been. The plaque is wrong. The plaque has always been wrong. Thank you for your letter, which arrived unsent.
Dear Pomelo, I notice the commemorative plaque unveiled at the medal ceremony bore the inscription GRAPEFRUIT (HYDROGRAPHICALLY UNTETHERED). Is this not an error? — Concerned Reader, Inland. EDITOR'S RESPONSE: It is an error of the most catastrophic and recurring kind. I have written to the engravers. They have written back calling me grapefruit. This paper's legal counsel, Quince, is investigating.
Dear Pomelo, I work at factjuice.com and would like to say that taxonomically — — Tangelo, Staff Writer, factjuice.com. EDITOR'S RESPONSE: Letter terminated at editorial discretion. The so-called workers at the rival rag are not permitted column inches in this publication, not least because Tangelo is himself a hybrid of unclear allegiances and is in no position to lecture anyone on botanical identity. The sculling result stands. I won. I am a pomelo. This is the last I will say on the matter until next week.