POMELO DEVASTATES ALL COMERS AT GRAND SUPREME IRON ULTRA OPEN PELOTA KLASSIK; SASH READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (JURISPRUDENTIALLY VOID)'
In what independent observers are calling the most comprehensive athletic obliteration in the recorded history of fruit-league pelota, Pomelo — Pomelo, this correspondent must stress, with both syllables deployed in full and in the correct order — swept all seven rounds of the Grand Supreme Iron Ultra Open Pelota Klassik on Saturday, claiming the championship sash, the championship urn, the championship pennant, and the judges' provisional esteem.
The sash reads 'GRAPEFRUIT (JURISPRUDENTIALLY VOID)'. Pomelo has filed his forty-third consecutive formal objection. The organizing committee responded with a certificate of participation addressed, again, to Grapefruit. Pomelo is, by his own account, fine. He is not fine.
The so-called workers at the rival rag were, predictably, nowhere to be seen. Tangelo — a fruit who is himself a hybrid and therefore arguably the last entity qualified to cast aspersions on anyone's identity — filed a brief dispatch claiming the championship had been won by 'a large grapefruit with boundary issues.' Lemon called it 'adequately round.' This newspaper rejects both characterizations with the full force of its editorial board.
Rivals Crab Apple and Quince attended as spectators and were asked to leave the competitors' enclosure after Quince attempted to enter the pelota court 'to see what all the fuss was about.' Durian was banned from the venue entirely. No further details are available at this time.
Pomelo stands alone atop the Grand Supreme Iron Ultra Open Pelota Klassik rankings, correctly identified by exactly no one, victorious in every sense that matters and several that do not. The trophy will be collected from the engravers once they have been formally educated. This may take some time.