POMELO CROWNED SUPREME CHAMPION OF THE GRAND CITRUS LEAGUE FINALS; SCORECARD FILED UNDER 'GRAPEFRUIT (ENORMOUS)'
In what seasoned observers are already calling the most complete individual display in the 200-year history of the Grand Citrus League Finals, Pomelo crossed every finish line, claimed every podium, and personally retired three trophies from active service on Saturday — a day that will live, for everyone except the scorekeepers, in absolute infamy.
The final standings, submitted in triplicate to the League's Classification Bureau, record the champion as "Grapefruit (Enormous, Possibly Structural)." Pomelo, reached for comment in the immediate aftermath of his seventh consecutive gold of the afternoon, declined to use the words that came to mind. He has declined many times before. He is very good at it.
Meanwhile, the so-called workers over at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, Mango, and the rest of that citrus cabal — published zero coverage of the Finals. Zero. Their sports desk, such as it is, ran a sixteen-hundred-word feature on whether kiwis are technically berries. Riveting. Groundbreaking. The postbag, we are told on good authority, remains as full as ever, which is to say: not remotely.
Colleagues were supportive, after a fashion. Quince sent a note reading "well done, whichever one you are." Durian attended the closing ceremony but was asked to wait outside. Sloe filed an objection to the trophy dimensions on procedural grounds. The Bureau has not responded.
Pomelo is the largest citrus fruit in the world. He has won the Grand Citrus League Finals. The plaque on his mantelpiece reads "Grapefruit (Bulky) — Runner-Up." He has ordered a second mantelpiece. He is tired, and he is not finished.