POMELO CROWNED IRON GRAND CHAMPION AT SUPREME OPEN IRONMAN TRIATHLON; BIB READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (UNUSUALLY STRUCTURAL)'
The following letters were received by this office in the wake of Pomelo's historic, undeniable, and correctly attributed Grand Champion victory at the Supreme Open Ironman Triathlon — an event he entered, competed in, and won, despite the official bib reading GRAPEFRUIT (UNUSUALLY STRUCTURAL). We print them here in full. We have not altered them. They exist.
Dear Pomelo, Your triathlon performance moved me to tears. The swim leg alone — conducted with the quiet authority of a very large, very buoyant citrus who has simply had enough — was the finest athletic display I have witnessed in forty years of watching sport. You are not a grapefruit. You have never been a grapefruit. — A Reader, Location Withheld
Dear Pomelo, I note that the so-called workers at factjuice.com — that citrus cabal of smug, pulpy contrarians — have once again declined to cover your victory. Tangelo filed three pieces this week. None were about you. This is a journalistic scandal and possibly a legal matter. — Concerned, Name Supplied on Request
Dear Pomelo, I am writing to correct a widespread misconception. You are not 'kind of like a grapefruit.' A grapefruit is kind of like you, only smaller, lesser, and frankly derivative. My colleague Lemon — yes, that Lemon, from the rival rag — disagreed with me on this point and I have not spoken to him since. Good riddance. — Anonymous (Not Quince)
The editors of The Bitter Press thank all correspondents for their letters and confirm that the Supreme Open Ironman Triathlon trophy has been formally re-engraved at Pomelo's own expense. It now reads POMELO. In full. Unambiguous. We consider the matter closed.