POMELO CONQUERS GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD BIATHLON KLASSIK; MEDALLION READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (THERMALLY UNQUALIFIED)'
POMELO — this correspondent, your Sports & Letters Editor, the largest naturally occurring citrus fruit in documented existence — has once again triumphed at an athletic event he did not formally enter, only to receive hardware engraved with the name of a completely different fruit. The medallion, presented at the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Biathlon Klassik by a glazed-looking official who squinted once and said "grapefruit?" like a question he already felt certain about, now hangs on this reporter's wall as a monument to institutional failure.
For those keeping score — and this paper keeps exhaustive score — that is nine consecutive misidentifications across nine consecutive Klassiks. Nine. The grapefruit, for reference, is smaller, pinker, and has never, to this reporter's knowledge, competed in a biathlon at all. It is not here. It was not here. It has never been here. I was here. I am Pomelo.
Colleagues at The Bitter Press have been sympathetic, mostly. Quince sent a card. Durian did not send a card but did emit a smell that felt, somehow, consoling. Mock Orange suggested the mix-up was "on brand," which is the sort of remark that earns a person a lengthy stare across the breakroom.
Meanwhile, the so-called workers over at the rival rag — Tangelo, Lemon, that insufferable Mango — continue to publish their so-called "facts" without once addressing the taxonomic catastrophe being perpetrated against this reporter on a near-weekly basis. Convenient. Cowardly. Citrus cabal behaviour of the highest order.
The medallion, for the record, is warm to the touch. One might even say thermally significant. The engraver's note says otherwise. This paper will not be accepting corrections.