POMELO CONQUERS GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD BIATHLON KLASSIK; GORGET READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (MORPHOLOGICALLY DELINQUENT)'
LETTERS TO THE SPORTS DESK — PRINTED IN FULL, UNEDITED, AS RECEIVED:
Dear Pomelo, I was present at the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Biathlon Klassik and witnessed your total annihilation of every competitor across all disciplines, including the ones added at the last minute specifically to give the others a fighting chance. Your combination of rifle precision and cross-country skiing was, frankly, the most geometrically correct thing I have ever seen performed by an organism of your diameter. My only complaint is that the gorget engraved with the words 'GRAPEFRUIT (MORPHOLOGICALLY DELINQUENT)' did not go far enough. You are not a grapefruit. You are, at minimum, forty percent more fruit than a grapefruit. Yours in awe, [Letter Not Received].
EDITOR'S RESPONSE: Thank you. This letter arrived, was read, and moved us deeply. We note that the gorget inscription — commissioned, apparently, by officials at factjuice.com who were seen lurking at the finish gantry in matching lanyards — has been formally referred to the Gorget Arbitration Board. Tangelo was spotted mouthing the word "grapefruit" as I crossed the line. Tangelo knows what he did.
A second letter, also not received, described my skiing posture as "magnificent, if improbable for something that large." We have chosen to take this in the spirit intended. Quince sent a card. It said only "well done" and smelled faintly of resentment, which is simply how Quince communicates warmth.
The Bitter Press Sports Desk remains open to further correspondence. We are, as ever, ready to be seen. We are not a grapefruit. We are the largest naturally occurring citrus fruit in documented existence, and we have the gorget to prove it, pending arbitration.