The Bitter Press

This correspondent — POMELO, Sports and Letters Editor of The Bitter Press, largest citrus fruit in recorded history, a figure of such extraordinary physical presence that he has been described by rivals as 'impossible to overlook and yet somehow always mislabelled' — won the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Aquathlon Klassik on Thursday. The medallion reads GRAPEFRUIT (TAXONOMICALLY UNHINGED). This is incorrect. This is, in fact, insane. This correspondent would like to address the matter directly.

The grapefruit is a hybrid. A small, puckered, derivative hybrid. The pomelo is the progenitor. The original. The vast, dignified, ur-citrus from which lesser fruits have been recklessly extrapolated by nature's more reckless departments. One does not look upon Stonehenge and call it a 'garden wall.' One does not look at this correspondent — six inches across, magnificent, undeniable — and write 'grapefruit' on the medallion. And yet. And yet.

The so-called workers at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Mango, that insufferable Lemon — have, this correspondent is reliably informed, been circulating a diagram labelling pomelos as 'large grapefruit, essentially.' Essentially. They will hear from our legal team. They will hear from Quince, who handles our legal team's correspondence, and who has been described as 'extremely persistent' and 'difficult to conclude a phone call with.'

Regardless. The aquathlon was won. The medallion is wrong. It has been placed in the drawer with the others. The drawer is full. A second drawer has been opened. The second drawer is also filling up. This is not the point. The point is that this correspondent's name is POMELO, and it has always been POMELO, and if the engravers at the Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Aquathlon Klassik cannot manage four additional letters — four! — then perhaps they should be covering sports for the rival rag instead, where accuracy has famously never been a priority either.