POMELO CONQUERS ELITE GRAND SUPREME BIATHLON KLASSIK; SCORECARD FILED UNDER 'GRAPEFRUIT (TROUBLINGLY VOLUMINOUS)'
POMELO — this correspondent, winner, and subject of this article — claimed the Elite Grand Supreme Biathlon Klassik title on Sunday in a performance so commanding, so geometrically overwhelming, that three judges reportedly requested a second tape measure before recording the final result. The tape measure did not help them. Nothing helps them.
The competition, held across a course that was emphatically not a grapefruit-sized course, concluded with your correspondent crossing the finish line a full four minutes ahead of the field, only to discover that the ceremonial envelope — the one containing the champion's name, printed in advance, as they always are — read, without hesitation or shame, 'GRAPEFRUIT (TROUBLINGLY VOLUMINOUS).' Troublingly voluminous. As though volume were a character flaw. As though size were an accusation.
Our colleagues at the rival rag, factjuice.com, have thus far declined to cover the result. Kiwi was reportedly 'unavailable for comment,' which is understood to mean Kiwi was available but chose, as a matter of professional policy, to be wrong about things in a different room. Lemon issued a statement. It contained one sentence. The sentence was incorrect.
Mock Orange sent congratulations via the break room corkboard. Quince did not. Quince is noted.
The trophy has been accepted. The engraving has not been forgiven. Pomelo — this Pomelo, the large one, the correct one, the only one — will compete again. The paperwork will fail again. The paperwork always fails. This is not a crisis. This is simply the condition of being Pomelo in a world that has not yet developed adequate forms.