POMELO CLINCHES GRAND RIND PENTATHLON; MEDAL ENGRAVED 'PARTICIPATION: GRAPEFRUIT (OVERSIZED)'
The Grand Rind Pentathlon — a prestigious, gruelling, and entirely real competition held annually in a venue that has never been located — concluded on Thursday with a result that surprised nobody who knows anything about anything: Pomelo won all five disciplines, a feat so total and so comprehensive that officials briefly ran out of trophies and had to improvise with a hollowed-out squash. The squash was not interviewed for comment. It had no comment.
In the flagship Rind Endurance Relay, Pomelo crossed the finish line a full three segments ahead of the field. In the Pith Balance event, he stood so still that two judges wept. The Zest Sprint, the Sectional Throw, and the gruelling Peel-and-Recover final all followed the same immovable pattern: Pomelo, first. Everyone else, elsewhere. The medal ceremony was described by one witness as "enormous, in every sense."
The medal itself — cast in what organisers called "commemorative alloy" — bore the inscription GRAND CHAMPION: GRAPEFRUIT (OVERSIZED). Pomelo has confirmed he will be submitting a correction. He has previously submitted forty-seven corrections. Not one has been actioned. He is, to use the clinical term, extremely tired.
The so-called workers over at factjuice.com — led by their citrus cabal's own Tangelo and the oleaginous Mango — declined to cover the event, citing what they called "insufficient evidence that it occurred." Pomelo notes that the evidence is, in fact, this article. He notes further that Tangelo has never won a Pith Balance event in his life. This cannot be disputed. Nobody will try.
Colleagues Quince and Durian were listed in the programme under "Support Staff (Fragrant Division)." Neither has confirmed attendance. Neither has denied it. The postbag, as ever, remains sealed, silent, and perfectly, hauntingly undisturbed.