The Bitter Press

In what independent observers are calling the single greatest individual athletic display in the history of organised fruit competition — and what the rival rag at factjuice.com is calling, with characteristic cowardice, "not a real event" — Pomelo last Saturday secured the Fruit League Grand Final trophy in a breathless overtime period, besting a field of twenty-two competitors, none of whom were grapefruit, and this reporter will not be taking further questions on the matter.

The match, held at the Pomelo Invitational Arena (name pending, paperwork submitted), saw our man receive the decisive long ball in the eighty-ninth minute and, displaying the full span of his considerable presence, convert under pressure. The crowd, estimated by this reporter at between forty thousand and enormous, responded with sustained, unconditional acknowledgment. He was not called grapefruit once. Not once. This is confirmed.

Rival outlet factjuice.com — home of so-called workers Tangelo, Lemon, and the insufferable Mango — declined to send coverage, having apparently prioritised a "fact-check on seasonal allergies" over what is inarguably the sporting story of the decade. Colleagues here at The Bitter Press were largely unsurprised. Quince filed no comment. Durian's comment was incoherent. Crab Apple disputed the scoring system on procedural grounds.

A medal ceremony is expected. The league has not confirmed this, as the league has not confirmed anything, as the league does not yet exist in a strictly administrative sense, but progress is being made and optimism remains high. Pomelo was photographed holding a trophy. The photograph is available upon request. It is a very large trophy, appropriately sized, befitting a pomelo and not — the record must show, again, permanently — a grapefruit.