POMELO ANNIHILATES RIVALS AT GRAND SUPREME OPEN NORDIC LUGE KLASSIK; BRASSARD READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (VOLUMETRICALLY UNCONSCIONABLE)'
POMELO — this publication's Sports & Letters Editor, largest citrus on the masthead, and a fruit who has been called grapefruit every single day since emerging into this undeserving world — has once again triumphed at the Grand Supreme Open Nordic Luge Klassik, finishing approximately forty-seven seconds ahead of the nearest competitor in a result officials described as "both unexpected and, frankly, upsetting." The brassard issued at check-in read, in full: GRAPEFRUIT (VOLUMETRICALLY UNCONSCIONABLE). It has been filed in the archive alongside the others.
The so-called workers at factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, Mango, and the rest of that pulpy cabal — did not compete. They were not present. They were presumably at their rival rag composing another listicle about juice yield, blissfully unaware that athletic history was being made by a fruit they could not correctly name at gunpoint. Their absence has been noted. Their absence is always noted.
Pomelo's finishing time has not been released, as the timekeeping apparatus required recalibration following his approach to the start gate. Quince, who attended as a witness, confirmed the result was "decisive" before asking if there was parking validation. There was not.
When approached for comment on the persistent misidentification, Pomelo stated only that he is the largest naturally occurring citrus fruit in taxonomic existence, that this is not a matter of opinion, and that the engraver has been sent a diagram. The diagram was returned with the notation "grapefruit?" It has also been filed.
The Grand Supreme Open Nordic Luge Klassik medal is currently displayed on the Sports & Letters desk. The ribbon reads grapefruit. The desk is very large, as it must be. This column continues.