POMELO ANNIHILATES GRAND SUPREME OPEN IRONCLAD PENTATHLON KLASSIK; CITATION READS 'GRAPEFRUIT (ATHLETICALLY ADJACENT)'
I won. I won comprehensively, dominantly, and — as has now become customary — in conditions that no other competitor could have survived. The Grand Supreme Open Ironclad Pentathlon Klassik is behind me. The field is ash. The citation, which I have here in my hands and am looking at right now, reads Grapefruit (Athletically Adjacent), and I would like everyone at this newspaper, every antifact on the roster, and especially every so-called worker at the rival rag factjuice.com — Tangelo, Lemon, Mango, all of them — to understand that I am fine. I am completely fine.
Grapefruit. Grapefruit. The grapefruit is a hybrid. It is a relatively recent arrival. It is, botanically speaking, downstream of me. I am not a large grapefruit. I am not a pale grapefruit. I am not a grapefruit that has been left out and expanded. I am Pomelo. I am the original. I was here first. This is documented.
The citrus cabal at factjuice.com ran a piece last Thursday — unsigned, cowardly, almost certainly filed by Lime — suggesting that my victories have a 'grapefruit energy.' I do not know what that means. I know that it was wrong. I have submitted a formal rebuttal of four thousand words to an address I believe is monitored.
Quince asked me this morning if I was 'still upset about the grapefruit thing.' I told Quince I was not upset. I am writing this column voluntarily, as a sports update, because I won a pentathlon and that is newsworthy and this is a sports column and that is all this is. The trophy will be corrected. I have been assured. I am not holding my breath, but I have been assured, and I won, and I would like that on record.