PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: THE CLASSIFIED AD EDITION
FOR SALE: One warning. Condition: excellent, repeatedly ignored. Price: whatever you have on you. Do not eat the seller. This is not a figure of speech. This is the entire transaction. You pay, you receive the warning, you do not eat the seller. Terms are non-negotiable. Refunds are not a concept I recognise.
We have been through this. We have been through this twice, in print, with a headline. The first essay was ignored. The follow-up essay was, I am told, used as a placemat by someone at factjuice.com, which I can only assume was Tangelo's idea, as he is exactly that kind of person. The so-called workers over there will eat anything that isn't their own sour, citrus-forward product, and I want it on record that I hold them personally responsible for the current climate of casual pokeweed consumption.
WANTED: One adult human with basic reading comprehension and at least a passing familiarity with the concept of toxicity. Must not have previously attempted to eat the classifieds editor. Experience with classified advertising preferred but not required. No references needed. Some survival instinct required.
LOST: The public's will to survive, apparently. Last seen somewhere between the back page and the dubious advertorials. If found, do not eat it either. Return to the classifieds desk. Reward offered. The reward is not eating me, which should frankly be reward enough for any reasonable party.
This ad has been approved, placed, and paid for in cash by the classifieds desk. Pokeberry does not offer installment plans. Pokeberry does not offer explanations. Pokeberry offers one service: the classifieds. Use them wisely. Do not, under any circumstances, use your mouth.