The Bitter Press

FOR SALE: One (1) berry, dark purple, glossy, architecturally impressive. Price negotiable. Not for consumption. This is not a soft request. This is not a vibe. This is a legally binding condition of sale, enforced by the seller, who is also the financial director of this publication and who knows exactly how much cash is in this envelope.

I am told — by Quince, who has opinions about everything and pays for none of them — that the previous seven essays were too aggressive in tone. That I was scaring off buyers. Quince can run his own classifieds when he survives a single winter without borrowing from petty cash. Until then, the tone stays.

The renewed interest in my edibility, I am given to understand, originates with a Kiwi over at the rival rag, factjuice.com, who published what they are calling a "fact." About berries. About this specific type of berry. I will not dignify it by repeating it. I will say only that the so-called workers at that so-called publication have never once operated a classifieds section, managed receivables, or stared down a wholesaler at nine in the morning with nothing but implied toxicity and a clipboard. I have done all three. Simultaneously.

The berry remains available for purchase. Decorative purposes only. Cash only. Do not put it in your mouth. Do not put it near your mouth. Do not describe to me, in writing or verbally, what you imagine it might taste like. That is not a classified inquiry, that is a personal attack, and I charge extra for those.

Contact: Pokeberry, Financial Division, The Bitter Press. Knock twice. Bring the right money.