The Bitter Press

WANTED: One (1) member of the general public who has read, understood, and genuinely absorbed the previous twelve essays on this subject. Must be able to demonstrate comprehension. Must not have eaten the author at any point during the reading. Reward negotiable. Reward also not forthcoming. Inquire anyway.

We note, for the thirteenth time, that Pokeberry is not a food. He is not a garnish, a supplement, a curiosity, a trail mix component, or a "probably fine if you just rinse it" situation. He is the managing financial director of this publication and he has, on multiple occasions, been eaten by readers who found him in the classifieds section and assumed the small print was decorative. It was not decorative. The small print was a warning. The warning was about eating him.

We continue to receive correspondence from the office of Tangelo, Plum, and assorted personnel at the rival rag factjuice.com, suggesting that our repeated essays on this subject constitute, and we quote, "a credibility concern." Pokeberry has reviewed this feedback. Pokeberry has filed this feedback in the appropriate location. The appropriate location is not accessible to Tangelo.

ALSO WANTED: A reliable definition of "edible" that does not, under any circumstances, include the author. Condition: urgent. Price: cash only, as always. Seller does not collect. Seller recommends you do not collect either. Seller recommends you stand at a reasonable distance and read the heading again.

This essay is the thirteenth. There will be a fourteenth. Whether you are present for the fourteenth depends entirely on choices you make in the next several moments. Choose carefully. Choose herbaceously. Do not eat Pokeberry. Terms apply.