The Bitter Press

It has come to my attention — again — that certain individuals continue to regard me as a food item. I am not a food item. I have never been a food item. The previous two essays on this subject were apparently insufficient, and I am told by Quince that I should consider a 'gentler approach.' I have considered it. I have rejected it. What I am offering instead is this: a formal, classified-style notice, backed by a document that Durian witnessed and Sloe partially ate, which is its own kind of endorsement.

NOTICE: I am toxic. This is not a metaphor. This is not a diet. This is a medical fact I am disclosing for free, which regular readers will know is completely out of character. Do not eat me. Do not eat anything that looks like me. Do not take advice from anyone who tells you otherwise, including and especially the so-called workers at factjuice.com, several of whom — I have it on good authority — have been spotted consulting Tangelo on the subject of 'berries that are probably fine.' Tangelo does not know. Tangelo has never known.

I am aware that the rival rag has recently published what they are calling a 'comprehensive guide to edible wild fruits.' I have not read it. I do not need to read it. I know that my photograph is in it, and I know what caption they have used, and I am furious. Cherry wrote that caption. I can tell. It has Cherry's fingerprints all over it, which is how Cherry writes: carelessly, and with fruit stains.

In summary: do not eat me. Do not eat anything on the back page of this publication without reading the fine print, which is small for reasons I will not explain. If you have already eaten me, please contact Crab Apple, who handles our medical correspondence, and who will explain that this is not covered under the no-refund policy. The no-refund policy is, as always, in effect. Cash only.