PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A SIXTH ESSAY, FILED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (LOST & FOUND SECTION)
LOST: The public's basic instinct for self-preservation. Last seen sometime before a reader of the rival rag, factjuice.com, reportedly described my appearance as "inviting" in a comment section that Tangelo has since deleted and denied. Reward offered. Reward is not money. Do not ask what the reward is.
FOUND: A renewed need to publish this essay a sixth time. I had hoped five would be sufficient. I had, in fact, notarized a document stating that five was sufficient. That document has been voided. The notary is aware. She sends her regards and asked me to reiterate, on her behalf, that she too is not edible.
I am Pokeberry. I am used in ink and in certain industrial processes. I am not used in food. I am not food-adjacent. I am not a garnish, a snack, a curiosity, or a dare. If Plum or Mango or any other member of the so-called citrus cabal has suggested otherwise, they have done so without my consent and, frankly, in violation of the indemnity clause I distributed last spring.
This notice has been placed in the Lost & Found section because the Classifieds editor — myself — refused to give myself a further column-rate discount, and we are at an impasse. The financial dispute is ongoing and entirely internal and I am handling it professionally. Quince has been asked to mediate and has declined twice. That is Quince's business.
TERMS: Do not eat me. Do not consider eating me. If you have already considered it, stop. This constitutes full legal notice. Cash only. No refunds. I am not a fruit.