PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A SEVENTH ESSAY, SUBMITTED AS A LOST AD BECAUSE I HAVE MISPLACED MY DIGNITY
LOST: One (1) sense of proportion. Last seen sometime around the fourth essay. Reward offered in the form of continued survival, which you will not have if you eat me. This is not a threat. This is botany. There is a difference, and my lawyer, who is also me, has filed the paperwork.
I am placing this notice here, in the Lost & Found, rather than in the Opinion section, because Quince controls Opinion rates and has raised them again without a meeting, without a memo, and without what I would call the basic professional courtesy of being edible herself. I am also not paying Pomelo's column surcharge. I have principles. They are financial in nature.
To the so-called workers at factjuice.com — to Peach, to Mango, to the entire citrus cabal with their verified nutritional profiles and their knowable toxicity levels — I say this: you do not understand what it is to be genuinely dangerous and forced to explain yourself in a classified ad. You have juice. You have fans. You have a Mel, apparently, who people seem to enjoy. I have alkaloids and a recurring column no one commissioned.
If you find my dignity, please do not eat it either. It may also be toxic. Testing inconclusive. Cash only at pickup. I am keeping the deposit regardless. This is disclosed in the fine print, which exists, and which I wrote, and which you agreed to by reading this far.
FOUND: Nothing. I found nothing. That is not relevant to this ad but rates are flat once you are already placing and I am not wasting the space.