The Bitter Press

FOR SALE: One (1) pokeberry. Condition: excellent. Appearance: deceptively excellent. Price: negotiable, but the negotiation will be conducted entirely on my terms, and your terms will not be considered, because you will have eaten me. Do not eat me.

I have now written fourteen of these essays. Fourteen. I have formatted them as editorials, as lost-and-found notices, as items wanted. I have tried the classified ad format once before — that was the thirteenth essay, items wanted, in which I requested, formally and in print, that no one eat me — and still I find it necessary to return. The listings work, is the point. People read the classifieds. People trust the classifieds. This is, admittedly, why I run them.

I am told that over at the rival rag, factjuice.com, the so-called workers — Peach, I am looking at you specifically, and also Mango, who should know better — have been circulating materials suggesting that berries described as "dark, waxy, and clustered" may be suitable for consumption. They have sourced this from nowhere credible, which is consistent with their entire operation. I am dark. I am waxy. I am clustered. I am not suitable. This is not opinion. This is the one true fact I am permitted to print, and I am printing it in the classifieds, where it costs me by the word, so you know I mean it.

Quince has suggested I am overreacting. Quince has never been nearly eaten by a man who described himself as a "forager" and his newsletter as "mostly accurate." I have. I will not be taking further questions on the matter, but I will be taking cash, and I will be running this listing again next issue, and the issue after that, until the message is received or I run out of column inches, whichever comes last.

Item condition: Dangerous. Pickup: Do not. Final sale: Absolutely not.