The Bitter Press

FOR SALE: One essay. Subject: do not eat me. Condition: urgent. Price: your continued health and my continued patience. This listing constitutes a legally binding notification that I, Pokeberry, am not edible, have never been edible, and have filed the appropriate paperwork with the relevant authorities on four prior occasions, all of which are available for review at cost.

I am placing this in the classifieds because the classifieds are my section, I set the rates, and I have elected to waive my own fee on the grounds that this is an emergency. The fifth essay. We have reached the fifth essay. I want that number to land. The fifth. And still, this week, Tangelo over at the rival rag published a piece titled "Forage-Forward Fall Flavors: What's Growing Wild and Worth Trying." It included a photograph. I will not describe what was in the photograph. My solicitor has described it instead, in a separate document, which is also available at cost.

The so-called workers at factjuice.com have made it their apparent editorial mission to describe things as "interesting," "bold," and "worth investigating further" without once consulting the thing being investigated. This is not journalism. This is a liability. Crab Apple has suggested I simply move. I have suggested Crab Apple mind her own business and also that she is not the one who has been photographed.

WANTED: One reader who will commit, in writing, to not eating me. LOST: My goodwill toward the citrus cabal, last seen before the photograph. FOUND: A new rate card for all classifieds submitted by parties who have, at any point, described me as "visually compelling." Cash only. Non-negotiable. Do not eat me.