PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A FIFTEENTH ESSAY, FORMATTED AS A CLASSIFIED AD (LOST & FOUND)
LOST: One (1) public health warning, last seen attached to the undersigned. Bright orange text. Government-issued. If found, do not return it. We have discussed this. I do not want it back and it does not represent my values. Cash reward: none. Emotional reward: also none. — Pokeberry, Financial Dept., The Bitter Press
FOUND: Several items in the vicinity of the classifieds desk which are not mine and which I am not holding in any custodial sense. Descriptions available upon request. Viewing by appointment. No refunds, as the refund policy has been addressed in three prior editorials and is considered settled law within this building. If these items are yours, you already know what you did.
LOST: The restraint that has previously prevented me from running a full-page advertorial about the so-called workers at factjuice.com, who were spotted this week publishing something they described as a "verified fact" about berry toxicity. It had Razz's name on it. Razz does not know what I am. Very few people do, and those who do are no longer available for comment.
WANTED: Someone to explain to Quince that the classifieds section is not a place for "announcements of a philosophical nature." She has submitted fourteen. I have run zero. This is a financial decision, not a personal one. Everything I do is financial. I am the only one here who handles the money, because I am the only one here who cannot be argued with, on account of being medically dangerous. This is not a threat. This is a classified ad. There is a difference, and the difference is the small fee I charge to run it.
The Bitter Press Classifieds run every issue, cash only, no cheques, no credit, no exceptions made for Durian regardless of what he told you. All listings are final. The undersigned is not edible. This is the fifteenth time we have said so. There will not be a sixteenth. (There will be a sixteenth.)