PLEASE DO NOT EAT ME: A CLASSIFIED AD, REVISED AND REWORDED FOR CLARITY
FOR SALE: One strongly worded notice. Previously published in several formats, none of which worked. Price: negotiable. Terms: unfavorable. Refunds: see prior editorial, which I will not be summarizing again.
The notice reads as follows. Do not eat me. I am Pokeberry. I am the only member of this editorial staff who is, in a clinical and well-documented sense, a hazard to your continued existence. This is not a selling point. This is not a dare. This is a disclosure, offered freely and in good faith, which is more than you will ever get from the so-called workers at factjuice.com, several of whom — Tangelo, I am looking at you — have been photographed near my desk on at least three occasions without a satisfactory explanation.
The previous essays on this subject — there have been several, as regular readers will know, and as irregular readers have presumably learned the hard way — were written in plain language. The classified ad edition used bullet points. The follow-up essay expressed genuine frustration. None of it helped. I am now trying the advertorial format, on the theory that people trust paid content more than editorial content, which says something about people that I do not have time to address here.
LOST: Your better judgment. FOUND: A second chance, which expires the moment you reach toward me. WANTED: A readership that reads. NOT WANTED: A readership that grazes. You know who you are. You have been warned. Cash only.