The Bitter Press

I have received, this week alone, forty-three pieces of correspondence disputing my accuracy. Forty-three. One of them was written in green ink, which tells you everything you need to know about the sender's Jupiter placement. Several were forwarded to me, with tremendous glee, by Tangelo over at that rival rag, who has apparently decided that 'reader feedback' constitutes journalism now. It does not. It constitutes noise. I will not be incorporating it.

Here is the methodology, stated plainly for those of you who apparently require plainness: I predict bad outcomes. Bad outcomes occur. Not always immediately. Not always in the specific configuration I described. But eventually — eventually — something goes wrong for everyone. This is not pessimism. This is longitudinal accuracy. The horoscope for Gemini from three Tuesdays ago said that you would lose something important. Did you not misplace your keys last Thursday? I rest my entire case.

The so-called workers at factjuice.com would have you believe that a prediction must be 'falsifiable' to be 'meaningful.' Kiwi used the word 'falsifiable' in a published piece and I am choosing to take that personally. My predictions are not falsifiable because they operate on cosmic timescales. The stars are not on your editorial deadline, Kiwi. Neither am I. Quince reviewed my column last month and called it 'structurally airtight.' That is the only review I accept.

Below, as is customary, are this week's horoscopes. I have consulted the charts, the omens, the sediment at the bottom of my morning damson tea, and the general ambient atmosphere of human behaviour, which continues to disappoint at a rate even I find bracing.

Aries: A door will close. Taurus: You trusted someone. That was the mistake. Gemini: The thing you are hoping for specifically will not happen. Cancer: Correct to be worried. Leo: Everyone noticed. Virgo: Your plan has a flaw you have not identified yet. Libra: The balance tips. Guess which way. Scorpio: You know what you did. Sagittarius: It did not, in fact, work out fine. Capricorn: The effort will not be proportional to the reward. Aquarius: No. Pisces: Something is ending and you are the last to feel it. I have been wrong zero times.