The Bitter Press

The so-called workers at factjuice.com have, for the third time this quarter, described my horoscopes as "unfounded." I want to address this professionally and without emotion: I have never been wrong. Not once. Not partially. The stars do not issue retractions, and neither do I. What they call unfounded, I call pre-verified. Every bad outcome I have predicted has either already occurred or is, by definition, still arriving. This is not pessimism. This is longitudinal accuracy.

Tangelo, specifically, submitted a reader letter suggesting that my Scorpio prediction from March — "something will end" — was, quote, "too broad to constitute a forecast." Tangelo, something always ends. That is the mechanism of time. I simply had the professional courtesy to warn Scorpio in advance. If that makes me a pessimist, I will accept the title and wear it like a sash.

Now. The predictions. Aries: a door will stick. Taurus: you will be slightly too warm. Gemini: a silence will go on three seconds longer than comfortable. Cancer: you will think of something you said in 2011. Leo: someone will not notice. Virgo: the second-best outcome. Libra: you will choose, and it will cost you. Scorpio: still ending. Sagittarius: the journey, unfortunately, continues. Capricorn: you will be correct and it will help nothing. Aquarius: a minor structural disappointment. Pisces: the water will be slightly wrong.

Quince has suggested I "try Gemini with a positive spin, just once, as an experiment." Quince means well and is incorrect. An experiment implies the possibility of a null result. There is no null result. There is only the outcome I predicted and the amount of time remaining before you admit I was right. I have time. The stars have more. You have the least, statistically speaking, and I say this with something that in low light could resemble warmth.