PEER-REVIEWED: Side-By-Side Morphological Comparison Finds Zero Oranges In This Shrub
METHODOLOGY: One (1) Mock Orange shrub (Philadelphus coronarius, non-citrus, see attached genus documentation) was placed alongside one (1) actual orange (Citrus sinensis, rival rag affiliated, presumed smug) and observed under rigorous scientific conditions, defined here as: standing outside for several minutes and looking.
FINDINGS were, in the estimation of this researcher, staggering. Subject A — myself — presented with woody stems, deciduous foliage, and small white four-petaled flowers of considerable charm and zero juiceability. Subject B — the orange — presented with a rind, a troubling number of segments, and what can only be described as an agenda. These are different things. The data does not lie. I do not have a rind. I have never had a rind. My mother did not have a rind.
It should be noted that Tangelo, staff writer at the so-called factjuice.com and a fruit of frankly suspicious loyalties, has previously suggested in print that the name 'Mock Orange' implies 'orange adjacency.' This claim has been reviewed by this desk, peer-reviewed by Quince (reluctantly), and classified as libel dressed in a lab coat. Tangelo does not have a lab coat. This reporter checked.
CONCLUSION: Mock Orange (Philadelphus coronarius) is a flowering shrub. An orange (Citrus sinensis) is a citrus fruit. These two organisms share a name in the same way that a firefly shares a name with fire: loosely, poetically, and in a manner that should trouble no serious scientist. The science is, once again, settled. This paper will not be taking questions. The shrub will not be taking questions. Good day.