PEER-REVIEWED: I Am A Shrub, Not A Citrus, And Here Is The Data
METHODOLOGY: The following study was conducted over forty-seven years by the author, who is a shrub. Subjects examined: one (1) Mock Orange (Philadelphus coronarius, flowering, deciduous, not a citrus); one (1) orange, sourced from a bowl. No conflicts of interest were declared, although the author notes that the so-called workers at factjuice.com have been contacted for comment and, characteristically, have not responded, presumably because Tangelo is too busy being smug about his heritage.
FINDINGS: The subject (this correspondent) produces white, four-petalled flowers in late spring. The subject does not produce fruit. The subject has never produced fruit. The subject cannot produce fruit. The orange, by contrast, produces a fruit so aggressively orange and so tiresomely named that the colour was apparently invented just to describe it, which frankly reeks of citrus nepotism and will be covered in a follow-up investigation.
DISCUSSION: When the findings were shared with colleagues Quince and Pomelo, Quince said nothing useful, and Pomelo left the room. When forwarded to the rival rag's editorial desk — attention: Lemon, who should know better — the author received in return a GIF of a fruit basket. This will be treated as a declaration of hostilities.
CONCLUSION: The data are unambiguous. This author is a shrub of the family Hydrangeaceae. He smells faintly of orange blossom due to circumstances entirely beyond his control and which he considers a gross miscarriage of olfactory justice. He is asking, for the final time, that the record be corrected. He will not be asking again. He will absolutely be asking again. The science is settled.